It ain't easy, I tell ya. Being a big-time Blogger takes stamina and courage and research and suffering. I have to read a lot of books and go on inebriated vision quests and ride my bicycle (not all at the same time, although I have been known to try.) I have to sleep, sometimes in the afternoon (usually after one of those vision quests) and then try to remember my dreams.
In my research I often dig deep into the library shelves, boldly going without fear to the lower numbers of the Dewey Decimal System, down to the double oughts (information) and the double-o ones, (general knowledge) and when no one is looking, I will surreptitiously slip a book from the 002's (risky business) I know that people want facts and tips and new ways of solving old problems. They turn to us Boogermeisters for advice, guidance, understanding. It is a heavy burden and I tremble, sometimes, at the responsibility. (Okay, I don't actually tremble, I was being literary there, not literal)
Recently, I pulled a book from the shelves at stratum 001.9. It was authored by a Canadian, but I read it anyway. It dealt with the rampant conspiracy theorism going on since the violent upheaval in American placidity caused by the felling of the Twin Towers and the election of the first black President. You all know what I mean: Illuminati, Trilateral Commission, Born In Kenya, Muslim this, Muslim that...WTC was an inside job, Dick Chaney (yikes!) and Wolfowitz, Katrina was a plot to wipe out the poor blacks in the 9th ward...Halliburton and black helicopters, stolen elections, on and on.
Alien lizard overlords rule the world, Area 54, the Moon landings were fake, Who Shot JR? (I mean JFK.) The Protocols of Zion...Masons and Templars and Sarah Palin.
Me? I believe all of it. The rational side of my brain says that it is all nonsense, but how often do I listen to the rational side of my brain?
Not often enough.
“Not now, Voice. This is serious business. I have to get the word out.”
Word up, dawg. Voice said you was whack. And check it out, we don't say “black” no more, it's “African American.”
“What? Who was that?”
My cousin Earl. I told you he was coming for a visit, remember? Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to tell you anything.
“You're kidding. There's two of you now?”
Only for a few days.
'Well, both of you be quiet. I'm working.” Not good. Not good at all...
Behind the Curtain
So, using my unique powers of mind control, I silence the rational part of my brain (or at least try to) and instead cavort wildly about, dancing in the field of poppies that is conspiratorial thinking. “They” really are screwing up the planet. It's just more fun to think that way. It makes for a wild ride. Like a reality roller coaster, it is simpler to believe that there are in fact evil geniuses, supermen behind the scenes making all this stuff happen. It is far more comforting than believing that We the People are so fucking stupid that we are somehow responsible, us our ownselves.
But the author of this book took the rational road. No roller coaster for him. He's Canadian, after all, and proud of it. There is a moment when he more or less says it required a Canuck to write the book because Americans are all so obviously bat-shit crazy. I agreed with him on that point and merrily did I read along, nodding my head sagely to signify my understanding of all he had to say. It wasn't that entertaining of a read, unfortunately. I had hoped he would spend some time explaining away the various silly notions we conspirators like to ramble endlessly on about during late night internet slumber parties, but he didn't do that. He didn't even try. He just pointed out how silly it all was and said “paranoia,” and “mid-life crisis” and “pajama journalism” and “birther” and “truther”and gently, kindly gave us all some literary warm milk and cookies and put us to bed.
Almost literally, in fact. I fell asleep a couple times reading it but I plowed on through because I am, after all, the Trailer Park Cyclist and painful research and clarification is my duty. And something was nagging at me while I was reading: if there really are vast networks of manipulative evil-doers out there, wouldn't they naturally publish books all over the place pointing out how foolish such thinking is? It made me tremble with excitement (okay, okay; again: I didn't actually tremble, I just like typing that word: Tremble.) It was like creeping up the steepest incline on the reality roller coaster, anticipating, knowing that in just moments we would be roaring down the other side, wind in our hair, g- forces rearranging our internal organs as we rushed to the truth: the book in my hands that I am reading is hard evidence of a cover up!
Not really. Maybe. That's the thing about all this stuff: you can make a case either way. But while in my head I always like to play peek-a-boo with what's real, in my other head I would put my actual money down on the side of rationality. So I found myself, of course, setting aside my adventurism of the mind and settling into a more Canadian way of thinking, proud of my maturity. I mean, after all, the book has an index. So it must be bona fide.
Wait! There's More!
But then, out of nowhere, I came across a sentence saying no way would the government monitor our phone calls. Certainly not ALL of them. He wrote that it would be akin to one man sitting alone in a stadium trying to eavesdrop on all the conversations of several thousand people. ( I would give this reference in direct quotes but this morning when I sat down to type this tell-all post, I couldn't find the passage. I then spent two hours (conspiricists are obsessive) going page by page but the passage was gone. Yet more evidence of a cover up!)
The guy is wrong! The government IS watching our phone calls! All of them! And our Internet traffic! (I have to wonder what they make of this particular blog) Big Brother is waking up! But don't worry: Our Muslim Space-Lizard Kenyan-born leader is promising us that they aren't actually listening in...yet.
It's exhausting, really, but rest assured that yer ol' pal the TPC is on the case. While I may not be a main stream media monger from North of the border, at least I'm not publishing blatant lies.
Next: Lance Found Innocent After All! America's Cycling Hero A Victim Of Canadian Propaganda! Oprah To Be Publicly Hanged On Tuesday! Mexico!
“I don't know, Voice. It's fun to type and always goes good with an exclamation mark. Mexico!”
Dude is whack.
Whispering Pines Trailer Park and Bureau of Truth.