Tuesday, April 1, 2014


Good Morning
“Tim Joe! Wake up!”

“Huh? What? What's wrong?”

Better just wake up, Bud. You're in it deep this time.

“Voice? Where the hell have you been? It's been months...”

France. But never mind that, you got bigger...

“Tim Joe!”

“OK OK, honey I'm awake. What's happening?” I sit up, then lay back down, fast. Too much sunshine for such a little room. The Blonde, in the snapshot I got before I pulled the covers back over my head, looks pissed. But not terminally pissed. That wasn't her terminally pissed face. Last time I saw her terminally pissed face I was in the back of a cop car, looking out through the window. I run a quick scan of the night before, trying to figure out my crime. I suddenly realize I am naked. She kicks the side of the bed.

“What's this about cocaine and skanky women?” she asks. Oh, man, I feel sick.

Stall. Beg for coffee.

“Oh, God honey, I don't know what you mean. Is there any coffee out there? I gotta get dressed.”

“This place is a wreck. Get your ass out of bed. I'll make some coffee, not that you deserve it.” The whole time I could hear her moving around the room. I didn't have to come out from under the covers to know that she was picking up, sorting the wreckage, straightening things out, all the while looking for clues.

OK, she's gone. Quick! Get up and put your pants on. And splash some water on your face. You look like you fell out of the back of a pickup truck.

This snaps me awake, fully awake. Fell out of the back...wait a minute...

The Intermodal Cyclist
Man, what a day! There's a gator hole south of town in a little place called the Merritt Island Wildlife Refuge. At least I think that's what they call it. Only wildlife down there is usually me and my buddies and some beer and fishing poles and so on. The day started with me getting into the cab of my truck and reaching for the keys when it dawned on me that it was 72 degrees outside, the sky was perfectly clear and the only wind was a gentle breeze tickling the tops of the palm trees. It further dawned on me that I had a perfectly good 1981 Schwinn Super LeTour with a new rear tube and a newly lubed chain. Ten minutes later I was reaching for my Goodwill Messenger Bag, stuffing in some trail mix (not really. I never have trail mix. But I always look) and swung my leg over the saddle and settled in. Man, it was just like riding a bike...

I already knew that the bus would be at the stop in front of the Whispering Pines at nine o'clock. The gator hole is about thirty miles south of the Park and I have made that ride many times, but today would be a long one and I had friends waiting.

A Scary Magic Carpet
If you ride urban transit in big cities, the bus never has a chance to get up too much speed, I guess. But Old Highway One south of Hawks Park has long empty stretches of open road and the bus goes FAST. It's a wild ride, blasting along at sixty with a giant windshield framing Little Miss Dangerous as she hangs on for dear life on the rack on the front of the bus. It's only a matter of minutes until fifteen miles have melted away and I am getting off the bus at the Dollar General store in Oak Hill. I take my bicycle off the rack. The bus stop is on a slight rise above the parking lot and I just stand on the pedal and coast down to the entrance. There's an old fart with a fuzzy little dog on a leash sitting out front in the morning sunshine.

“What kind of mileage does that thing get?” Some kind of Yankee accent.

“About twenty miles a can,” I say. I can smell the river. I'm only about fifteen miles from a place I consider Paradise. There will be smiling friends and ice cold beer and manatees and pelicans. I figured out many, many years ago that if you are somewhere where you can see a pelican, you're probably doing it right. I go into the store. I go straight to the beer cooler. I know where it is. I grab eight 16 oz Budweisers in cans (no glass at the bridge!) and take them to the counter. This is not a first time experience for me. I glance wistfully at the packages of trail mix displayed there next to the checkout. One of these days...

And then, just like that, I'm pedaling south, cruising at about fifteen mph on a freshly paved road. There is zero traffic down here, this time of day. I own the road. The phone rings.


“Where ya at, cracker?”

“Shiloh. I'm riding my bike.”

“Yeah, right. Hurry up. Nothin's bitin' here and we're going down to Haulover.”

“OK. I'll be about a half hour.”

“A half hour? What the hell...you mean you really rode your bike all the way down here? Hey, y'all! Dumbass Old Man Tim is on his bicycle!”

“Not so old I can't smack your ass around once I get there.” This is going to be a great day. Hell it already is a great day.

“Alright, we'll be under the bridge, pumpkin, make it quick. Don't have a heart attack.”

Good advice. East Coast Johnny stands about five-four and weighs about a hundred and fifty...but that's a hundred fifty pounds of tightly wrapped gristle and grit and red-headed menace. I'll throw him in the canal, maybe. Right now I feel like singing some Merle Haggard songs but I can't remember any. Not all my rowdy friends have settled down, just yet. I sure haven't.

I can see the drawbridge up ahead. Too bad. That was too short a ride on such a perfect day. But I still have the ride back. Little did I know...

Meanwhile, Back At The Trailer Park...
“Here's your coffee. I'm not cleaning up this mess. You're lucky you didn't burn the trailer down. Now I want to hear why you texted me at work at two in the morning saying you were leaving me and going to run off to the woods and spend the rest of your life snorting cocaine and dancing with skanky women. Are you crazy? I had a five hundred doughnut order to have ready by five a.m. and the last thing I need is your drunk ass sending me stupid messages that don't make any sense.”

“I have no idea what you mean. You know I don't do drugs. And I don't know any skanky women.” That's not entirely true.  I do live in a trailer park, after all.  But I did have a very vague (very vague) memory of East Coast and Josh over by the fire, hunkered down over something and giggling like idiots. For some reason I was on the porch roof at the time.  Now, the morning after, I knew without looking that my phone wasn't in my pocket. Those silly bastards...I wonder who else got some insane message from my phone at two a.m.?

“And who was that skinny little bitch with East Coast? And why do you look like you fell out of the back of a truck?”

Oh yeah...

“Well, honey, I'm sorry you had to work last night. We had a great day down at the bridge and one thing led to another...”

Man, What A Day!
I'm lying on my back in the dust. The biggest gator I have ever seen is a dozen yards away, looking me over. I can see Little Miss Dangerous in the back of East Coast's truck, fading away in a cloud of dust. Josh is in the back, hanging on to the toolbox, banging on the roof of the cab. I figure it's gonna hurt to get up, so maybe I'll just lie here awhile. The sky is really beautiful today. Maybe I'm dead. This place is certainly Heaven enough for me. I turn my head to look at the gator. That's the biggest damn gator I ever saw. He ain't movin'. Neither am I.

I can hear Johnny's truck turning around. I can hear them laughing all the way down the road. Silly bastards. I really love those dumb crackers. The big gator still hasn't moved, but I figure I better get up. Those fuckers might run over me just to see what happens. I start to dust myself off but it hurts so I stop.

I'm getting too old for this shit, but not today.

Whispering Pines Trailer Park and Redneck Refuge

March 31, 2014


  1. It must be Christmas! :) Glad to hear you got out and enjoyed a pedal, but it seems to have not ended too well. Hope nothing hurts too much. As usual a wonderfully written, vivid piece of prose.


    1. Every day is Christmas (or New Year's Eve) if you're doing it right, Daniel. I am not always capable of doing it right, but I try, buddy, I try.

      Oddly, the only thing injured was my pride, and even that wasn't bad. Thanks for reading!


  2. " I glance wistfully at the packages of trail mix display there next to the checkout. One of these days...."

    I busted right out laughing at that line. Not sure why with all the funny shit that went down in this post, but it would have been a helluva day to start up a trailmix habit!!

    Wow! I know you've been a workin' stiff, paying your taxes and being a good American but I sure have missed Tim Joe and the entertaining prose.
    Thanks for sharing.


    1. Thanks, Jim. I laughed at the trail mix bit, too. I was at a book signing for a REALLY funny writer named Tim Dorsey and someone asked him if he enjoyed reading his own stuff. "Of course," he said, "if I didn't like it why would I write it?" The beauty for me is I am continuously surprised at the stuff that comes out of the keyboard. I don't have any idea how it happens.

      I know this: when I'm working those 60 hour weeks the good stuff ain't happening. It worries me and I don't really want to go back but what's a brother to do? If I knew I would do it.


  3. TJ,

    Great post.

    Respect for still being a wild eyed southern boy. It aint easy to carry on like that.

    And glad you got out on your bike.

    Steve Z

    1. Swampy, I always was a wild one. Early in life I did it on purpose and as the years went by I couldn't figure out how to stop, not that I wanted to...but it's hard on the family life. That may be why I live alone in a crappy trailer on the side of the highway in Florida.

      From the age of seven I planned on making my way as a writer and those dust jacket covers need interesting copy so I headed out early and got into and out of so much adventure and mayhem that it is a miracle I am not in prison or a mental institution. Add a strong taste for strong drink and there ya go.

      I'm paying for it now, believe me. The only money I ever made writing was a check for $14 from Wooden Boat magazine for a half-witty letter to the editor.

      One day a while back I was alone, drunk and depressed and wondering what the hell went wrong. Why am I alone? Then it hit me: all my rowdy friends had settled down. I pondered long and hard on this and figured out what to do: Get new friends!

      That crew I was running with here are young enough to be my children. Hell, I could be Josh's grandpa, I think. They are funny and crazy and handy with guns and knives and poles and pickup trucks. So am I. They are also barely literate and have no idea about this side of me. They think I'm just a drunk-ass old man who never grew up. They're half-right.

      Thanks for reading, Steve!

  4. Well in your last post (Guest) you did say "This can't end well.." which makes you clairvoyant or more likely a Bon vivant. Say "Bonjour!" to the voice for me - missed that dude.

    Great writing as always man.

  5. Well, nobody was arrested and the fire department didn't have to show up, which means everything worked out. The cops did show up, but apparently not for us...that is why I was on the porch roof. I was running surveillance on the police. At least that's what I think I was doing.

    The Voice comes and goes. He is apparently a very busy Voice.

    Note: this all started with Roadie Ryan taking a comment I made on his page, Ryan's Rebuilds, and making it into a Guest Post. Go to the sidebar to check it out.

  6. Beer Bike.

    One of the few phrases in the the English Language that is both a verb and a noun.
    Well done mate, classic TPC!

    Thanks for the well needed laugh.


    1. Thanks, Matt. I was overdue for a little hell-raisin'. Way overdue, in fact.


  7. That story could have started, "Hey, y'all watch this." I'm so glad it didn't! It was so wonderful to read this, TJ!

    Be well my velo brother!

  8. Yeah. After a fast ride (and the first real ride in months) it doesn't take much cold beer to light the fire. And the day went on into night and trust me, I ain't tellin' the whole story. Someday, maybe...

    Thanks, my friend!


  9. Mr. TJ, I opened this and it brought a big smile to my face.
    Thanks so much, can't wait to digest this.

    Talk to you in a few....


    1. Delightful TJ, you have got it brother. The pictures you paint. I only wish I could come close.
      We all have many facets. Down here at the Trailer Park we are blessed to have a weaver of stories willing to share.
      Thanks so very much,

      Greg D

  10. Greg! Thanks! I never know how a piece will be received and when I get a comment like yours I...well, it keeps me goin', man. It keeps me goin'.